A couple of weeks ago I had an email from a client asking me to quote on some leaflets. And as always, I couldn't resist having a quick read through her copy. It's like an addiction for me. I simply cannot stop reading copy and thinking about how I might improve it. Some people choose drugs, others alcohol, mine is copywriting!
The copy that Amanda had written was very typical of a piece of copy any client might send to me. Take a look at what she'd written:
BEFORE
TAGSTRAP
This simple
wristband could be your part in ensuring
the safety of other peoples children!
Is the
Responsibility yours? www.tagstrap.co.uk email: info@tagstrap.co.uk tel: 0844
579 1048
Tagstrap is
being used in schools across the UK as a preventative measure
against road traffic accidents when transporting young children
away from main school buildings, i.e. daytrips, nursery
outings, etc. It has been
priced in line with school budget constraints to allow
schools to reinforce their health and safety message not only to parents,
but to recognised authorities.
Health
& Safety – Be Proactive.
Can you see the problem? We could have designed this leaflet and made it look very nice. But six months down the line Amanda would have been disappointed that the leaflet hadn't made her any money. Why? Well let's look at what's wrong with the copy:
- what is she asking people to do? Order? Well then say so!
- What is the relevance of the responsibility question?
- It's simply not compelling enough.
So here's what I wrote instead:
What price would you put on
the safety of a child?
It would probably be more than £3.10 wouldn’t it? So what if
we told you that you could keep up to twenty children safe on the roads for
just £31?[FA1]
Tagstrap: because children’s
safety matters. www.tagstrap.co.uk
(somewhere on the page but not below the strapline above)
“Since we started using the Tagstrap safety system our
staff have found it much easier to manage the children, and I know that parents
feel much more comfortable about the children going on outings now.” Sandra Smith, Principal, A Big Chain of Nurseries
(ie – Amanda you need to find a testimonial! Or someone that is happy to put
their name to this one…) Testimonial – working on it
Tagstrap is a brand new road safety measure that enables
you to keep groups of children safe when you’re out and about.
Children up
to the age of 9 don’t have the skill and ability to be safe in traffic on their
own. They need the help and guidance of an adult. But the practicalities of
managing groups of children on outings with their own curiosities and energy
levels is quite a different story!
How it works
You
attach each child securely to an individual blue tag strap
Each
tag strap is attached to the master strap
The
adult attaches themselves to the master strap, safe in the knowledge that all
children are connected
No
running off, no dawdling, no kamikaze stunts! Children can move the straps up
and down the master strap, but can’t take them off once connected
Tagstrap
makes it much easier and safer for you to manage groups of children on outings
Benefits of Tagstrap
Peace
of mind – the children are attached to
Tagstrap so they are much easier to keep safe on the roads
Freedom to take the children on outings in crowded
situations because they are safely connected to Tagstrap
Reassurance
for parents that you take road safety
seriously
An
incredibly cost effective way of showing
your commitment to children’s safety
Easier
to manage the children: because the
children are physically attached to you, you have much more control over where
they walk and the speed they walk at.
High Visibility master strap helps others around
you see your group
Demonstrate your commitment to safety to
regulatory authorities and improve your potential assessment
What it costs
Master Strap: £15
Individual antibacterial, waterproof tag straps £1.60 each
(available in multiples of ten).
Bulk discounts also available. Please call us to discuss
your requirements.
Order your Tagstrap today! And start benefiting from the
peace of mind it brings.
Visit www.tagstrap.co.uk or call us
on 0844 579 1048
**Special offer** Order your Tagstrap before 31st
March and receive FREE P&P (worth £4.00).
(Chloe: can you put something on the page like a British
Flag and put Manufactured and Designed in the UK – only needs to be very small. We also need the kite mark (or whatever the relevant mark)
and these words Conforms to European safety standards – BS EN
13210:2004) Chloe: we need a NEW! in a
circle somewhere on this page – a bit like M&S do with their stuff!
So why will this work so much better than what was written originally? Because it gives the reader information. It explains the benefits and it gives the reader a compelling call to action.
A lot of our clients struggle when it comes to knowing what to put on their leaflets, and just how to make them work effectively. In response to this we've created a Promote Your Business workshop, which will give you Five Simple Steps to Creating More Effective Marketing Literature. If you're interested then check out www.marvellousworkshops.co.uk.
